The horror… the horror

Korn[1] unplugged is an atrocity on so many levels. Where to begin?
I’ll do my best to illustrate its utter insipidness.

Firstly, the unplugged concept; it worked great in the 90′s when we all still believed that musicians could somehow ‘discover new aspects to their music’[2]. It worked for Pearl Jam because at that stage the listenership wasn’t one step ahead of the loud/acoustic curve yet. It worked for Nirvana because it showed that they were just normal, simple songwriters after all[3]. And it worked for George Michael and Rod Stewart because they got to wear tight stylish pants.
It doesn’t work for Korn because with this album they are trying to show a side of themselves that everyone was already bored with before they even sat their flannelled behinds down on those high chairs.

Speaking of which, they suck at it. The idea seems to have been to expand their musical range by presenting their back catalogue illuminated by congas and flamenco guitars, but simply put – they’re no good.
The arrangements are thin without being sparse. The vocals are nasal without being raw. The emotions are troubled without being real. When the lights went down after the show none of them went out into a back alley with a spike in their arm and a spoon; they had a decaf caramel latte and a clove cigarette handed to them.

Next on the list of atrocities; the visual style. The pastel hues, the dreadlocks, the faux-weird animal masks, the fucking congas(again) – it all comes together with one voice to say: cheap stylist; or even worse, DIY. The album cover is a twee horror, but at least it spares you the pain of having to see that crap move (as the DVD does).
I feel sick.

Dude, let’s flip the R around to make it backwards.

But all of these are only minor missteps on this path to total musical horror. Style is subjective and some people think its groovy when you wear a pristinely dry-cleaned cowboy shirt with your pristinely manicured dreadlocks. The aesthetic antichrist awaits.

Obviously two key ingredients to any successful range-extending unplugged performance are guest artists and cover versions of classic songs. Nirvana did both, so why shouldn’t Korn? Nirvana brought on the Meat Puppets who were, until then, a relatively unknown indie group and they blew the doors off of the show. Korn bring on Amy Lee fresh from her multi-platinum emo-goth world tour and she sucks. You see the difference.
And as for cover versions; Nirvana pulled out three – The Vaselines[4], a David Bowie and a Ledbelly – and turned in brutal, fucked-up performances of all three. Korn pull out two covers, a The Cure song (featuring very cool Robert Smith) and Radiohead’s Creep. Fuck. Horror.
The reason I so detest Korn’s cover of Creep is not simply that they murder it and completely miss the point of the song; it’s more than that. But let me first vent about what they do to the song. Firstly, they play it far too slowly. It is not a ballad – never was. Remember the video with the strobing stage light behind Thom Yorke; that wall of Noise? Secondly the vocal performance is horrible – horrible; dripping with tweedy mock weirdness in the lines ‘Well-a ah’m a creeep, ah’m weirdooo-o-o; what the hellamadoin’ here?’ – nuff said. Horror.
But still this is not the reason why Korn’s cover of Creep is worthy of derision.

Probably the most important part of any self indulgent unplugged session[5] is for the artist to play a touchstone song that illuminates their roots to their fans. Somewhere in every successful unplugged performance the band and the audience share a revelation of a common musical past. In Korn’s case they choose Creep.
Now; when Creep was released in 1993 its effect was seismic. Pablo Honey itself is not the greatest of rock albums, but that one song did give a whole new generation of geeks a cause to scream from their gut. I’m willing to bet that an entire generation of rock music listeners will point to it as a turning point in their desire for noise, and to make a noise.
It cannot and shouldn’t be covered in the same way that no-one should ever remake Casablanca or Dirty Harry. That song is of its time and should be allowed to remain there[6]. It was never meant to exist in 2007, least of all under the burden of acoustic guitars.

But Korn – fucking Korn – just cannot leave such a seminal influence undiscussed. They frickin’ have to find a way to say to their fans: ‘Hey man. Look! We share a musical past, we come from the same place. We love you and you love us.’

Fuck you.

[1] Let me dispel any expectations of my knowing anything about the band. I recognise their look but have no idea what their names are. I shall refer to the band collectively as ‘they’.
[2] As compared to today when we know that anything that comes out of us – whether it be sounds, words or otherwise – is constantly and instantly transforming and being transformed. deep hey?
[3] And not necessarily great musicians either
[4] Let’s be honest; no one on the planet had heard of them before the Nirvana
[5] And Nirvana’s certainly was self-indulgent
[6] Don’t get me wrong, I loved that song – but I’ve not heard it for years; I don’t even have a copy of it, which is how it should be.